Saturday, June 6, 2015

The "Prophecies" of Dr. Seuss

A common refrain among Muslims and Christians alike is that their holy book makes prophecies. When pressed for examples, we quickly find that the believer is favorably interpreting vague scriptures as predictions of known events. This is a sort of after-the-fact fitting reality to the verses rather than the other way around. It permits the validation of all sorts of ridiculous prophesies.

For example, in this post, a Muslim interprets Allah's quote, "And verily, a day with your Lord is as a thousand years of what you reckon." to be a prophecy of the speed of light. Over here, Sura 55, verse 33: "O assembly of Jinns and Men, if you can penetrate regions of the heavens and the earth, then penetrate them! You will not penetrate them save with a Power." is interpreted to prophesize that man will develop space travel! Finally, here you can see that the Koran predicts atomic theory when it says "[ Allah is] the Knower of the unseen." Not absent from Him is an atom's weight within the heavens or within the earth or [what is] smaller than that or greater, except that it is in a clear register"!

Christians do this too.

Since we're starting with the answer, the process becomes much easier. It just requires some creativity as I will demonstrate with the assistance of Dr. Seuss as my prophesy material rather than the Bible.

  • "Green Eggs and Ham" was a prophecy about mankind finding value in molds like Penicillin
  • "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" Is a prophecy for evolutionary change in species and the discovery of the Tiktaalik fossils.
  • "The Cat in the Hat" foretold the U.S. banking crisis. Thing 1&2 were AIG and Lehman Bros. Off having fun without supervision. The Cat is the US Government, which helped clean up the mess with its big machine.
  • "The Foot Book" is a prophecy about your personal (possibly not yet recognized) foot fetish.
    • Note: This one uses a prophesy of things that you don't know now but will soon discover. It's similar to the theist's prophesy that you'll tremble before their god on judgement day. This method is great because there's absolutely no way to disprove it!
      … You kinky foot-fetish-freak! (DM me, let's talk)
  • "Oh the Places You'll Go"  foretold the rovers on Mars.
  • Thneeds in "The Lorax" were a prophecy of the emergence of the Snuggie!
  • "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" was a prophecy of the "War on Christmas!"
  • "Yertle the Turtle" was a prophesy about the fall of the Roman empire.
  • "The Sneetches" was a prophesy about Apple's iPhone marketing strategy.
  • "The Zax" who got stuck in their tracks is a prophecy about the two-party political stalemate in America.
  • "Hop on Pop" Prophesied women's liberation through the emergence of stay-at-home dads once women bagan having careers.
  • "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?" Prophesized the emergence of Mad Cow disease
  • "There's a Wocket in My Pocket" was a prophesy about the emergence of mobile phones and the proliferation of intelligent gagets throughout the home.
Twitter Contributions:
  • "Green Eggs and Ham" was prophecy of GMO foods. (@harrybulzonya)
  • "Through 3 cheese trees" This is a warning against GMO crops. (@AtheistMutt)
  • "The Cat in the hat" predicts that Cat and Human DNA will be put together to form a walking talking hat wearing Man-Cat. (@JohnDoe_997)
    • Hey!  It could happen!
See how it's done? Simply pick a verse and find something plausible that it could be an analogy for after-the-fact. (post-hoc). There are enough flowery and non-specific verses in the Bible to satisfy nearly any event.

Edit: related honorable mentions:

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